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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.