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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I laugh in the face of normal.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?