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I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
There`s no WE in pizza.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.