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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.