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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.