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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.