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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?