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Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?