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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.