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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook