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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!