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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.