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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?