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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.