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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.