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Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.