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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Never squat with your spurs on
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.