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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.