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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.