Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.