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Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
What if the weather talks about us?
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.