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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!