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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.