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If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.