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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..