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I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.