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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?