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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*