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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Condoms prevent minivans.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.