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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Hello...
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.