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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.