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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?