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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.