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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"