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"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Real friends show me their boobs
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...