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Quiet people have the loudest minds.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.