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I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`