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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?