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My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"