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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.