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I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.