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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?