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My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?