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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.