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If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.