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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.