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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.