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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.