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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.