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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off