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I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.