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“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
So much to do and so few alibis.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b