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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her