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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You look like I need another drink
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.