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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.