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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right