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It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
My internet goes out more than I do.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.