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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.