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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Own the day
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.