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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."