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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.