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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.