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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.