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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.