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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.