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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Does the Food Network deliver?
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
The older I get the better I used to be.
My whole life is based on a true story...