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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*