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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!