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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.