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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.