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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.