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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.