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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)