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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
facebooked yo mama!!!
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?