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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.