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I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.