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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.