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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
This headache feels like dumb people
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?