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Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.