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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.