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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.